I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
FUCK WHALES
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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