Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Randomize
