Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
