I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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