my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize