He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
