singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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