boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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