I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
