I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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