All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
