Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
