I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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