I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
