i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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