Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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