if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well I just put wine in my tea
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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