I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
