she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
