Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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