Betty ford says i'm here all night
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Randomize
