i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize