i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
