Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
