if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
