Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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