I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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