when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize