I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
