I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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