Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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