There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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