just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Randomize
