I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
