two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
