Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
