I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
