i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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