Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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