sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
