Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We need to rekindle our bromance
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
