Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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