he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize