My nipple is on Facebook.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Randomize
