I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
