that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
