you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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