It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize