to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
