I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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