he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize