btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish I only lived at night.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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