Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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