too bad you live with your parents still
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
