"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
