It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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