was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
