i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
