I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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